Most Common Lies in Relationships: Top 10

The most common lies in relationships range from saying you are fine when you are not to hiding purchases and fudging your whereabouts, research shows.

Almost everyone has said something to a partner that was not quite true. Sometimes it is a kind fib about a disappointing birthday present, sometimes a hurried text claiming you have already left the house, and occasionally something far more serious. Deception researchers have spent decades studying these moments, and their findings paint a picture that is more ordinary, and more human, than most viral lists suggest.

This Finepedia guide ranks ten of the most common lies partners of any gender tell each other in romantic relationships, as of October 2026. For each one it explains why people say it, what published studies and surveys actually show, the warning signs that a habit is forming, and a healthier thing to say instead. The aim is understanding rather than blame. Nothing here is therapy advice, and couples facing serious trust problems should consider speaking with a qualified counsellor.

How We Ranked the Most Common Lies in Relationships

No single study measures every kind of lie couples tell, so this ranking is editorial. It combines diary studies of everyday lying, national surveys on money and phones, and experiments on how people report their own pasts. Each lie was scored from 1 to 10 on three criteria:

• Frequency: how often the lie, or the behaviour it hides, shows up in surveys and research.
• Trust risk: how much damage it can do if it is discovered or becomes a pattern.
• Relatability: how ordinary and everyday it is for typical couples.

The three scores were added together and the list was ordered by total. Ties were broken by frequency. A high place on the list does not mean a lie is the most harmful; it means it combines being common, recognisable and consequential.

Top 10 Lies in Relationships at a Glance

1. "I'm Fine"

Why People Tell It

"I'm fine" is the reflex answer when something stings but the moment feels wrong for a discussion. People use it to keep the peace, to avoid looking needy, or because they have not yet worked out what they feel. In a busy household it can also be simple triage: the bills are due, the children are asleep, and starting a hard conversation seems like more than either partner can handle.

The trouble is that the feeling does not disappear because it was not named. It tends to surface later, often in a sharper form and attached to a smaller trigger.

What the Research Says

In the landmark diary studies led by psychologist Bella DePaulo in 1996, 77 college students and 70 community members recorded every lie they told for a week. Lies about feelings, opinions and preferences were the single most common category in both groups. When people lied about their feelings, they overwhelmingly pretended to feel more positively than they did, and the researchers counted claiming not to mind something as one of those positive fakes. On average, roughly a quarter of all recorded lies involved faking positive feelings, compared with only 1 to 3 percent that faked negative ones.

A 2012 study led by Emily Impett in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin looked at what happens when partners hide their emotions while making sacrifices for each other. In a 14-day diary phase, days with more suppression were linked to lower emotional well-being and relationship quality reported by both partners. Three months later, people who suppressed more reported lower satisfaction and more thoughts about breaking up.

Warning Signs

• "Fine" is followed by silence, short answers or slammed cupboards.
• The same issue keeps coming back weeks later in a bigger argument.
• One partner always agrees to plans, then seems withdrawn during them.
• Small favours start to feel like debts that are being quietly counted.

A Healthier Alternative

Honesty does not require an immediate deep discussion. A useful middle path is to name the state and schedule the talk: "Something bothered me earlier. I need an hour, then can we talk?" This keeps the moment calm without pretending nothing happened. Partners can also agree that "fine" means fine, and that anything else gets a different word, which removes the guessing game.

Interesting Facts

• In the 1996 diary studies, college students reported about two lies a day and community members about one.
• Lies about feelings were disproportionately about the very person being lied to.
• The Impett study found the costs of hiding emotions showed up in the partner's daily reports as well as the suppressor's.

2. "It Didn't Cost That Much"

Why People Tell It

Money lies usually start small: trimming the price of a jacket, leaving out a subscription, or not mentioning a balance on a credit card. Many people grew up in homes where money was a source of stress or secrecy, and they carry that discomfort into adult relationships. Others fear that disclosing a purchase will reopen an old argument about saving versus spending.

Over time, the small trims can add up to something larger, such as a hidden debt or a separate account a partner knows nothing about. That shift turns a white lie into what financial planners call financial infidelity.

What the Research Says

A Bankrate survey conducted by YouGov in December 2024 and published in January 2025 asked 1,089 U.S. adults who were married, in a civil partnership or living with a partner about financial secrets. Forty percent said they had committed financial infidelity against their current partner, including 21 percent who were keeping a secret at the time of the survey. One in three admitted spending more than their partner would be comfortable with, 23 percent had kept secret debt and 17 percent a secret credit card.

An earlier Harris Poll for the National Endowment for Financial Education, conducted in June 2021, found that 43 percent of U.S. adults who had ever combined finances with a partner admitted to at least one financial deception. Of those, 85 percent said it had affected the relationship in some way. The two surveys used different questions and samples, but both point to roughly two in five partnered adults.

Warning Signs

• Statements arriving by email only, or bills that are suddenly hard to find.
• Defensiveness or vagueness whenever a particular account comes up.
• New items appearing with an explanation that changes on retelling.
• A reluctance to plan a shared budget or discuss long-term goals.

A Healthier Alternative

Couples who argue about money, one of the issues covered in why couples argue, often benefit from structure rather than willpower. A short monthly check-in with numbers on the table, an agreed amount above which either partner talks before buying, and some personal spending money that needs no explanation can remove much of the pressure to hide. Disclosing existing debts early in a serious relationship also prevents a painful surprise later.

Interesting Facts

• In the Bankrate survey, 45 percent of partnered adults said keeping financial secrets is as bad as, or worse than, physical cheating.
• Two in three partnered Gen Z respondents in that survey had committed some form of financial infidelity, the highest of any age group.
• Sixty-two percent of partnered respondents kept at least some money separate from their partner.

3. "I Love It"

Why People Tell It

Few lies feel more forgivable than praising a gift that missed the mark. The partner chose it with care, the moment is happy, and honesty would gain little. The same logic applies to a meal that was slightly overcooked or a new outfit that is not quite to your taste. People tell these lies because they value the relationship more than the accuracy of the comment.

What the Research Says

DePaulo and Deborah Kashy's 1998 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people generally told fewer lies to those they felt closest to, and that a larger share of the lies told to friends were altruistic rather than self-serving. These lies also tended to be discovered more often by close partners, who know our reactions well.

Research by Emma Levine and Maurice Schweitzer, published in Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes in 2015, adds an important twist. Across a series of experiments, lies told to benefit another person increased benevolence-based trust, the sense that someone means well. The same lies harmed integrity-based trust, the willingness to rely on what someone says. In other words, kind lies can make you look caring while making your words less reliable.

Warning Signs

• A partner keeps buying, cooking or wearing something because they believe you love it.
• You feel unable to express any preference without hurting feelings.
• Small fibs about taste spread into opinions about bigger decisions.

A Healthier Alternative

The best middle ground is to separate the effort from the object. "You remembered I wanted something for the garden, that means a lot" is fully true even if the specific gift was not ideal. Later, in a neutral moment, preferences can be shared lightly: "I'm more of a dark chocolate person, by the way." Over the years, this keeps gestures warm while letting a partner get to know your real tastes.

Interesting Facts

• In the 1996 diary studies, lies about feelings tended to be told for the benefit of the listener rather than the liar.
• Levine and Schweitzer developed a new economic game, called Rely-or-Verify, to measure integrity-based trust.
• Their experiments found that prosocial intentions mattered more to benevolence-based trust than whether deception occurred.

4. "I'm On My Way"

Why People Tell It

Saying you are already on the road when you are still looking for your keys is one of the most familiar small deceptions of the smartphone age. The intention is usually to reassure, not to mislead: it signals that you have not forgotten and that you care about being there. It also buys a little goodwill while the real delay is quietly made up.

What the Research Says

Communication researchers Jeffrey Hancock, Jeremy Birnholtz and colleagues coined the term "butler lies" for the polite fibs people use to manage their availability. Across five studies of instant messaging, text messages and BlackBerry Messenger, involving more than 7,000 instant messages and about 15,000 texts, they found that roughly 10 percent of messages were deceptive and about one fifth of those deceptions were butler lies. In text messaging, 81 percent of butler lies concerned availability at other times, including claims such as being on the way or arriving in five minutes when the sender had not yet left.

The 1996 DePaulo diary studies also found that lies about actions, plans and whereabouts were among the most common categories, just behind lies about feelings.

Warning Signs

• "Five minutes" regularly turns into half an hour.
• Location details in the excuse change from one telling to the next.
• The waiting partner stops believing time estimates altogether.

A Healthier Alternative

An accurate estimate, even an unflattering one, lets the other person plan. "I'm leaving in ten, so expect me around half past" respects their time more than a cheerful fiction. Where lateness is a pattern, it can help to agree on a buffer for important plans rather than relying on constant updates.

Interesting Facts

• The term "butler lie" refers to the household butler who once told unwanted visitors that the master was not available.
• In the researchers' interviews, many participants did not even regard butler lies as deceptive, seeing them as normal coordination.
• Butler lies were used to preserve relationships, not just to dodge people the sender disliked.

5. "Sorry, I Just Saw Your Message"

Why People Tell It

Modern couples are reachable almost every minute, which creates pressure to answer instantly. When someone needs time to think, is enjoying a quiet hour or simply forgot, a small excuse feels easier than admitting the delay was a choice. Read receipts and online indicators make the excuse riskier, but they have not made it rare.

What the Research Says

The butler lie research identified "Sorry, I just saw your message" as a frequent example, often sent long after the message had been read. In the text-messaging data, about 17 percent of butler lies drew on uncertainty about time, while most relied on activities such as being busy or unwell. A later Cornell study by Lindsay Reynolds and colleagues collected 2,341 text messages and found that 21.7 percent of messages containing butler-style content were deceptive, compared with 6.2 percent of other messages.

Phones are also a frequent source of friction. A Pew Research Center survey of U.S. adults, published in 2020, found that 51 percent of people in a relationship said their partner was at least sometimes distracted by a phone during conversations, and 40 percent were at least sometimes bothered by how much time a partner spent on the device.

Warning Signs

• Messages are ignored for hours but social media activity is visible.
• Excuses about dead batteries or meetings become routine.
• Replies arrive only when the conversation is convenient for one partner.

A Healthier Alternative

Couples can agree on what response time is reasonable and when it is fine to be offline, which removes the need for excuses. A short honest reply such as "Saw this, will answer properly after work" keeps the connection without pretending. For a look at the platforms where many of these exchanges happen, see Finepedia's guide to the most popular social media apps and sites.

Interesting Facts

• In a BlackBerry Messenger study, some participants delayed opening messages specifically because the app told senders when a message had been read.
• Instant messaging butler lies were often used to end conversations, while text butler lies mostly explained unavailability.
• Pew found that 62 percent of partnered adults aged 30 to 49 said their partner was at least sometimes distracted by a phone.

6. "I Never Look at My Ex's Profile"

Why People Tell It

Most adults have a romantic past, and social media makes it easy to see what former partners are doing. A quick look at an ex's profile is usually curiosity rather than longing, but admitting it can feel risky. People also downplay ongoing contact, such as a friendly message on a birthday, because they fear it will be misread.

What the Research Says

In Pew Research Center's 2020 report on dating and relationships in the digital age, 53 percent of social media users said they had used these sites to check up on someone they used to date or be in a relationship with. The share rose to 70 percent among users aged 18 to 29, and about two thirds of users who were cohabiting or in a committed relationship said they had done so.

Research by Jayson Dibble, Michelle Drouin and colleagues on "back burners", people someone stays in touch with as possible future partners, found that more than 70 percent of a college sample had at least one. Students in committed relationships averaged almost five. Back burners are not necessarily exes, but the researchers noted that people generally did not tell their partners about them.

Warning Signs

• Messages with a former partner are deleted rather than left visible.
• Contact increases when the current relationship is going through a rough patch.
• Questions about an ex are met with irritation out of proportion to the topic.

A Healthier Alternative

Rather than blanket promises, couples can talk about specific comfort levels: occasional friendly contact, co-parenting arrangements, or no contact at all. Being upfront about an occasional look or message usually costs far less than having it discovered. Finepedia's article on staying friends with your ex explores when that friendship works and when it does not.

Interesting Facts

• Pew found married social media users (45 percent) were less likely than single users (56 percent) to have checked up on an ex online.
• In the back burner research, the number of back burners did not predict how committed people were to their current partner.
• The researchers compared back burners to the old idea of a "little black book".

7. "I'd Never Go Through Your Phone"

Why People Tell It

Secretly checking a partner's phone often comes from anxiety: an unexplained notification, a change in mood or past hurt from another relationship. Afterwards, admitting it feels impossible, because it would reveal both the suspicion and a breach of privacy. Denial seems like the only way to avoid a double argument.

What the Research Says

Pew Research Center's survey, fielded in October 2019 and published in May 2020, found that 34 percent of partnered U.S. adults had looked through their partner's cellphone without that person's knowledge. Yet 70 percent of all adults said doing so is rarely or never acceptable. Among partnered adults who thought it was at least sometimes acceptable, 61 percent had done it.

Sharing access is common too: 75 percent of partnered adults had given their partner their phone password, and 62 percent had shared an email password. The gap between openly shared access and secret checking is where this particular lie lives.

Warning Signs

• A partner seems to know details they were never told.
• The phone has been moved or unlocked while you were away.
• Questions arrive that sound like tests rather than conversation.

A Healthier Alternative

If something feels wrong, saying so is more effective than searching. "I've been feeling uneasy lately and I'd like to understand why" opens a conversation that a secret search can never resolve. Couples can also agree on transparency that feels respectful to both people, such as shared passwords offered freely rather than taken.

Interesting Facts

• The Pew findings come from an online survey of 4,860 U.S. adults conducted from 16 to 28 October 2019.
• Married and cohabiting adults were more likely than those in a committed relationship but living apart to share phone passwords.
• The same survey found that roughly eight in ten social media users at least sometimes see others posting about their relationships.

8. "I'm Not Jealous"

Why People Tell It

Jealousy carries a stigma. Many people worry that admitting to it will make them look possessive or insecure, so they insist they are relaxed when a partner spends an evening with a charming colleague or likes someone's photos. The denial is often sincere in intent; they want to be the kind of person who does not feel jealous.

What the Research Says

Pew's 2020 report found that 23 percent of partnered adults whose partner used social media had felt jealous or unsure about their relationship because of how their partner interacted with others on those sites. The share was 34 percent among those aged 18 to 29 and 26 percent among those aged 30 to 49.

The broader diary research suggests why denial is so common. In DePaulo's 1996 studies, saying you did not mind something when you did was classified as one of the most frequent forms of everyday lying, pretending to feel more positively than you actually do.

Warning Signs

• Repeated jokes or comments about a particular person.
• Sudden interest in a partner's schedule or online activity.
• Withdrawal after social events, followed by "I'm not upset".

A Healthier Alternative

Jealousy is a feeling, not a verdict. Naming it calmly and early, without accusation, allows a partner to reassure or adjust. Phrases that pair trust with honesty, such as "I know nothing is going on, I just felt left out tonight", keep the conversation about needs rather than suspicion.

Interesting Facts

• Younger partnered adults were the most likely in Pew's survey to report social media jealousy.
• Pew found about one third of partnered lesbian, gay and bisexual adults whose partner used social media reported such feelings, compared with 22 percent of straight adults.
• Faking a positive feeling was far more common than faking a negative one in the 1996 diary studies.

9. "Nothing Happened"

Why People Tell It

This is the lie that covers a genuine betrayal, whether a physical affair, an emotional involvement or a boundary the couple had agreed on. People tell it because the truth threatens everything they value in the relationship, and because they hope the problem will fade if it is never spoken aloud. It is less common than the everyday lies above, but its consequences are far greater.

What the Research Says

A 2004 study by DePaulo and colleagues, titled "Serious Lies", asked college students and community members to describe the most serious lie they had ever told or been told. Most of these serious lies were told by or to the closest people in participants' lives: 53 percent in the community sample and 72.7 percent in the college sample. Affairs were the most frequent subject of serious lies. In the community sample, lies involving spouses and romantic partners were tied as the most numerous category, at 29 percent.

A 2001 study by Tim Cole in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships surveyed 128 couples who had been together for at least four months. People who believed their partner was dishonest reported lower satisfaction and commitment, and the results supported the idea that deception tends to be reciprocated.

Warning Signs

• Secretive phone habits that start suddenly.
• Unexplained absences or stories that do not add up.
• Emotional distance combined with defensiveness when asked simple questions.

A Healthier Alternative

There is no painless way through this, and it is the point where professional help matters most. Disclosure is difficult, but trust cannot be rebuilt on a foundation that is still hidden. Many counsellors use structured approaches, such as the Gottman Institute's three-phase model of atonement, attunement and attachment, to guide couples through the aftermath.

Interesting Facts

• In the Serious Lies study, the community participants ranged in age from 19 to 84.
• Most of the affair lies in the study were described by the person who had been deceived, not by the person who lied.
• DePaulo has noted that people tell serious lies to those closest to them partly because those people hold the highest expectations of them.

10. "My Number Is..."

Why People Tell It

Questions about past partners can feel like a test with a right answer. People adjust their history up or down depending on what they think a partner, or society, expects. Some simply do not want the past to become a topic at all, and give a number that will end the conversation quickly.

What the Research Says

A 2003 experiment by Michele Alexander and Terri Fisher in the Journal of Sex Research asked participants about their sexual history under three conditions. When people believed they were connected to a working lie detector (in fact a fake device known as a bogus pipeline), the differences between groups' answers became small. Differences were larger when answers were anonymous, and largest when participants thought the researcher might see their responses. The authors concluded that some reported differences reflect social expectations rather than actual behaviour.

A 2019 analysis of Britain's third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, led by Kirstin Mitchell, found that much of the gap between groups' reported partner numbers was explained by how people answered: whether they counted precisely or estimated, a small number of very high answers, and attitudes. Together these factors accounted for almost two thirds of the gap, and estimators often gave numbers ending in 0 or 5.

Warning Signs

• The story about the past changes depending on who is asking.
• One partner presses repeatedly for exact numbers or comparisons.
• Health information, such as test results, is avoided rather than shared.

A Healthier Alternative

What matters most in a new relationship is information that affects both partners now, especially sexual health, rather than a precise tally. Couples can agree that the past is welcome as conversation but not as a scoreboard. If a partner's history is causing distress, that feeling is worth exploring for its own sake.

Interesting Facts

• An earlier bogus pipeline study cited by Alexander and Fisher found that both men and women reported more partners when they believed lying could be detected.
• A 1993 review of 31 bogus pipeline studies concluded the technique reliably shifts self-reports towards honesty.
• The Natsal analysis showed that estimated answers were usually much higher than counted ones.

White Lies vs Harmful Lies: How They Compare

When a White Lie Becomes a Problem

Not every untruth signals a broken relationship. Research by Kim Serota, Timothy Levine and Franklin Boster, published in Human Communication Research in 2010, surveyed 1,000 U.S. adults and found an average of 1.65 lies per day. The average hid a very uneven pattern: 60 percent reported telling no lies at all in the previous 24 hours, while about half of all lies came from just 5.3 percent of people. Most people, in other words, are honest most of the time.

A small lie tends to become a problem when one or more of these things is true:

• It hides something that affects both partners, such as money, health or safety.
• It is repeated so often that a partner stops believing ordinary statements.
• It requires further lies to keep it standing.
• It is used to control, manipulate or isolate a partner.
• Discovering it would change how the partner sees the whole relationship.

Persistent dishonesty also ranks among the traits people find hardest to tolerate, as Finepedia's list of the most hated personality traits explores. If lying is part of a pattern of control, threats or fear, that is no longer an ordinary relationship issue, and local support services or emergency services should be contacted.

How Couples Rebuild Trust

Trust is rebuilt through consistent behaviour over time rather than a single conversation. The specific steps differ depending on whether the lie was a habit of small fibs or a serious betrayal, but several principles appear again and again in relationship research and counselling practice.

• Take responsibility clearly, without minimising or shifting blame.
• Answer questions honestly, even when the answers are uncomfortable.
• Agree on concrete changes, such as a monthly money review or open phone habits, and keep them.
• Allow the hurt partner time; trust usually returns more slowly than either person hopes.
• Look at the needs behind the lie, such as fear of conflict or feeling judged.
• Seek help from a qualified couples counsellor when progress stalls or the betrayal was serious.

The Gottman Institute's Trust Revival Method, used by many therapists after affairs, frames recovery in three phases. Atonement focuses on responsibility and transparency, attunement on rebuilding understanding and communication, and attachment on renewing emotional and physical closeness. For a wider look at the habits of mind behind behaviour like this, see Finepedia's collection of interesting psychological facts about human behavior.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the most common lie in relationships?

Research suggests the most common everyday lies in relationships are about feelings, such as saying "I'm fine" or "I don't mind" when something bothers you. In DePaulo's diary studies, lies about feelings and opinions were the largest category, and people overwhelmingly pretended to feel more positively than they did, not more negatively.

Are white lies in relationships ever okay?

Many people consider small, kind lies acceptable, such as praising a gift. Research by Levine and Schweitzer found such prosocial lies can increase the sense that someone means well, yet reduce trust in their words. A good rule is to keep white lies rare and never use them to hide anything affecting both partners.

How often do people lie to their partners?

In DePaulo and Kashy's 1998 diary studies, people told about one lie in every three interactions with romantic partners they were not married to, and fewer than one in ten with spouses. Most of those lies were minor. Serious lies, however, were more likely to be told to the people closest to us.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity means hiding money matters from a partner, such as secret spending, debt, credit cards or bank accounts. A Bankrate survey published in January 2025 found 40 percent of partnered U.S. adults had done this to their current partner, and 45 percent viewed it as at least as bad as physical cheating.

Does checking a partner's phone mean the relationship is in trouble?

Not necessarily, but it signals a trust gap worth discussing. Pew Research Center found 34 percent of partnered U.S. adults had looked through a partner's phone without their knowledge, although 70 percent of adults said doing so is rarely or never acceptable. Talking about the worry behind the urge is usually more useful.

Can a relationship recover from serious lies?

Many relationships do recover, though it takes time, consistent honesty and often professional support. Structured approaches such as the Gottman Institute's atonement, attunement and attachment model guide couples through accountability, rebuilding understanding and renewing closeness. A qualified couples counsellor can help both partners decide whether and how to move forward.

When should a couple see a counsellor about lying?

Consider a counsellor when lies involve money, health, safety or infidelity, when the same lies keep recurring, or when trust has fallen so far that ordinary statements are doubted. Seeking help early is not a sign of failure. If lying is combined with threats, control or fear, contact local support services instead.

Conclusion

The most common lies in relationships are rarely dramatic. They are the quiet "I'm fine", the trimmed price tag, the polite praise for a gift and the text claiming you are already on the road. Research shows that most of these lies are small and often well meant, yet the same studies show how secrets about money, phones, exes and betrayals can steadily wear down trust.

The healthiest couples are not those who never fib, but those who keep important truths in the open and can talk honestly about feelings, money and boundaries without fear. Replacing the most common lies with gentle, specific honesty is one of the simplest ways to build a relationship that both partners can rely on. Where trust has been seriously damaged, a qualified counsellor can help both partners find a way forward.